The Wooden Spoon

There are a few changes in the format for Top Chef Masters. Instead of everyone competing together, there will be six eliminations rounds with four chefs each. The chefs who win the elimination rounds will move on to the champions round, which will run for four weeks. The chefs are competing for charity, and whoever takes the championship will win $100,000 for his or her charity.

Instead of a panel of food professionals doing the judging, there will be panel of food critics. Also, no Tom Colicchio. Noooo! And the show is being hosted by Kelly Choi instead of Padma Lakshmi. You’ll see that I didn’t know that last part until after the show started.

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Before the beginning of Top Chef Masters Episode 1, I caught the last minute or so of Top Chef’s Season 5 finale. There’s Hosea, not talking about how happy he is to win, but gloating about beating Stefan. Such a huge difference between those two attitudes, and I don’t think Hosea gets the first one. He says things are going to change. Hell yeah, things are going to change, Hosea. Your girlfriend’s going to dump you for having sex with Leah on national television
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 Oh, there’s my girl Karla, crying about losing but being her usual gracious, awesome, moonbeamy, wonderful self. Don’t cry, Karla. Your catering business is about to go through the roof, honey. You have legions of fans. You could start a cult if you wanted to.

OK. Top Chef Masters begins. I’m kind of bouncing up and down on the couch from excitement. Wait, where’s Padma? Who’s Kelly Choi? Should I just start hating her now or give her a chance?

The chefs arrive. Hubert Keller (a former Top Chef guest judge), Tim Love, Michael Schlow, and Christopher Lee. Among them they own around 472 restaurants. I’m going to say now that I think Hubert is going to win this round. I mean, he’s French. Pack your knives, inferior American chefs.

The chefs’ charities are:

Michael – Cam Neely Foundation
Hubert –  Make a Wish
Christopher –  Autism Speaks
Tim – March of Dimes.

Kelly explains the show format to the chefs, and says that each week, they’ll be bringing back a favorite Quickfire Challenge from a previous season of Top Chef. She announces that this week’s Quickfire Challenge is the most dreaded course of all – dessert. The guys lose it a little bit, because making dessert is synonymous with hell.

Kelly says the Quickfire judges have a great affinity for sweets. I’d say that means either pissed off women or kids. It kids! I groan. No one under 18 should be allowed on television. Oh no. They’re cute junior Girl Scouts. Run, chefs. Don’t y’all know that the Girl Scouts is just a paramilitary organization with cookies?

Each chef can earn up to five stars for his dessert, and they have 60 minutes to complete the challenge.

Hubert will be making chocolate swans with meringue, chocolate mousse and orange sabayon. He also makes a little meringue mouse. Cute.
Michael decides on peanut butter chocolate candies, chocolate brownie-like cake, and honey almond ice cream.
Tim goes for a family favorite, strawberries three ways – dipped in chocolate, a milkshake, and chicken-fried.
Christopher says that kids love French toast, and his will be accompanied by bananas and maple syrup fluff, all served on a stick.

Tim has a shot of tequila, then juggles some oranges.

There’s some trouble in dessert-hell. Michael’s cake won’t bake and his ice cream won’t freeze. I’m curious whether he just hasn’t given the cake enough time or if the oven is malfunctioning. Cakes do take a while to bake, but the ovens on Top Chef have a tendency to not work. I think the ice cream is a total failure. He serves the candies, scoops out some cake, which looks almost done to me, and covers it with ganache.

A red-headed girl scout says Michael’s dessert tastes like a Tag-a-Long. Ooh, not bad at all. Another says the strawberry milkshake is a little sour. The red-head says the French toast is crunchy outside and too soft inside. All the girls go crazy over Hubert’s dessert. The guys are impressed with all the girls, but especially the red-head. She has the makings of a great food critic. The chefs all have a good laugh over the fear being stricken into their hearts by a bunch of 8 year olds.

Hubert takes it, of course, with 5 stars. He’s humble. Tim gets 3 ½ stars, Christopher gets 3 ½, and Michael gets 2 ½. They’re great sports about losing to the French guy.

It’s time for the Elimination challenge:

Kelly tells the guys that they’ll be cooking at a local college. Each chef has to prepare a 3 course meal for the judges and some college students, using only a hot plate, a toaster oven and a microwave. They each have a budget of $150, and 45 minutes to shop, and they’ll have access to a very limited pantry (we never see what those items are). Once they get to the college, they’ll have two hours to prep and cook. The guys seem a little worried because they don’t shop themselves. I get the feeling Hubert hasn’t been inside a grocery store in at least 20 years, because he seems particularly confused by Whole Foods. For that he’s won my heart. I’m also confused by Whole Foods, although probably for entirely different reasons.

Hubert manages to lose his cart. Tim, Michael and Christopher also need time to get situated, and there’s no ground pork for Tim’s special pork chili (see why I’m confused? Why wouldn’t Whole Foods have ground fucking pork). Now he has no idea what he’s going to make. Christopher gets pork chops even though he never cooks them.

Jump to the next morning. The guys are packing up to head over to the college. Tim realizes that he put his food in the freezer instead of the cooler. Oh no. All the produce is frozen. He’s screwed. To his credit, his demeanor never changes, although he does say that it was a huge “holy shit” moment. I’m picturing the level 10 meltdown Leah would have in these circumstances, and it’s not pretty. Tim Love is made of cool. Christopher says if Tim pulls off the veg disaster he should win.

They arrive at the college, and Kelly tells them there’s a surprise. They’ll be cooking in the dorm rooms. Oh Christ. I hate this shit. Can’t you just let them cook? The guys barely flinch. They’re so unflappable and I think I love them all.

Here are their menus:
Tim Love: scallop Carpaccio with lime and chili, squash and corn pozole, and skirt steak with braised kale

Michael: salmon crudo, cabbage soup with smoked bacon, fennel, and white bean, and pork a la apicius with broccolini and mushrooms.

Christopher: red snapper ceviche with citrus juices, avocado and popcorn, creamy risotto with prosciutto and parmesan, and pork chop with piperade, crushed potatoes, mache and fennel salad.

Hubert: Fresh Scottish salmon mui cuit over creamy whole grain mustard, hearty carrot and petit pea soup with cinnamon croutons, and creamy mac and cheese with prawns, mushrooms, and fresh herbs.

There’s a lot happening while the chefs get set up. Hubert says he never went to college, and if he hadn’t become a chef he would be a DJ. I say a rock star, y’all.

Michael jokingly chastises his student for having an unmade bed. Tim says he’s making the pozole with no hominy, which sort of makes it not pozole, but he should be able to pull flavor from the corn. Christopher offers left over popcorn to the guys.

There’s an interstitial with the chefs trying to figure out the microwaves.  Michael doesn’t have one at home, and Hubert says he has one but only uses it to dry the newspaper.

They’re cooking, they’re cooking. Hubert realizes there’s no running water in the dorm room and he has to drain and refresh the macaroni. To the showers, man! Seriously, he takes the pasta into the shower room and hoses it down, first with cold water, then with hot.

It’s time to meet the critics. Gael Greene! With a funny hat. Jay Rayner, the restaurant critic for The Observer in London. He can’t possibly be any more irritating than Toby was on last season’s Top Chef, so he’s already ahead of the game. James Oseland, editor-in-chief of Saveur Magazine. My internet BFF Aunt Jenny tells me that Saveur ain’t what it used to be, but she’s not sure if that’s Oseland’s fault, so I’m reserving judgment. They also mention Gail Simmons, who is a regular judge on Top Chef, but she’s not here this week.

The critics, Kelly, and some of the students (the ones whose dorm rooms were used) eat dinner, and there’s a lot of oohing and aahhing. Unaware of Tim’s adventures in freezing, Jay grumbles that it’s a cop-out to serve raw food in a cooking competition, which is total bullshit. Wouldn’t that mean that carpaccio should never be served in a restaurant not dedicated to raw food? The risotto is a little soft and mushy in the center, but it tastes great. The critics are split on Hubert’s carrot and pea soup with cinnamon. Jay’s not getting it, but Gael can’t stop eating the cinnamon croutons. They agree that Tim’s kale is a bit salty, but James loves it anyway. Gale and James think there’s too much on the plate with Christopher’s pork chop, but Jay says it needs a little liquor; otherwise, it would just be a slightly dried-out chop. Just from what I see, I have to agree with him. Michael’s pork  a la apicius has  a fabulous flavor, but it’s overcooked. Jay wants more chili flavor in the carpaccio. James says it has a great perfumey rush of strong olive oil.

The guys meet with the critics. Tim explains what happened with his food, and Jay expresses his admiration for how he turned a potential disaster into a great meal. Michael says that he had a hard time getting the pork properly seared with the hot plate. Christopher had problems getting the risotto to come together, but it came out well enough. The critics agree that, even though it's too soft to be an authentic risotto, it’s still pretty great. He also had problems getting his pork chops seared, so he took them off the hot plate, let them rest, and finished searing them in the toaster oven. Props are given all around to the chefs for the improvising they had to do and how great the food is, especially considering the limitations they faced.

Back in the stew room, Tim says that he doesn’t care what some English guy has to say about his too salty kale, because the English don’t even season their food. Ha! Everyone is having fun, they’re all talking and laughing and drinking, and it’s obvious they have nothing to lose – not their confidence or their credibility. What the hell is going on here? This does not happen on reality shows. Shouldn’t someone be crying by now?

The critics deliberate as critics will. It’s mostly a whole lot of the same thing. Michael's cabbage soup was adventurous and had a lovely depth of flavor. Gael loves the wonderful, spicy aftertaste. James thinks it needed another hour to cook, but Jay points out that Michael didn’t have that much time, and it was great anyway. Tim's pozole matches the dorm environment and would be great tailgating food.

The chefs are called back to the critics’ table, and there are lots of congratulations from the critics. In the end, Hubert wins with 20 ½ stars, moves on to the champions round and receives $10,000 for his charity. Michael has 13 ½ points, Tim 14 ½, and Christopher 19.  Their respective charities will also receive donations in their names. The guys give each other man hugs and head out for one more drink, no doubt on Hubert’s tab.

Oh my God, I love this show.

Unless you're one of my internet-only friends, or you're married to me, you probably don't know how much I love reality television. I watch some of the better reality shows - America's Next Top Model, American Idol; and some of the worst, which I won't be naming because I'm not giving you any more fodder to make fun of me. Now that we have Bravo on our cable system, I've finally been able to watch Top Chef. I love the show, in part because it keeps me humble about my own abilities. I couldn't do half of what the contestants (aka cheftestants) do, although I did know that butter wasn't going to save Leah's ass when her sauce reduced too much and got too salty. Did her brain shut off? Was it ever on?

Anyway, starting Wednesday, June 10, Bravo will be airing Top Chef Masters. This should be fun. This time, the cheftestants won't be just any old executive chef, or "executive chef", as the case may be.  We're talking big names here. I'm going to try something I haven't done before, which is recap the show. Who knows if it will work, or if it will be hell for everyone involved?

Stay tuned.

Top Chef Masters. Premieres Wed. June 10 at 10PM, on Bravo, with a minimum of 1000 re-airings throughout the week.

Damn, has it really been two months since I last posted? I've been cooking and baking as usual. I guess I'm not feeling to inspired lately.

Anyway, I had a birthday party for Joe yesterday, and I broke my #1 rule of entertaining. Never use a recipe for a party until it's been tested at least twice. I didn't break it just once yesterday, I broke it four times by using untested recipes for baked beans, cole slaw, a cake, and chocolate frosting. I must have been feeling very confident in my skills.

Baked beans have always been a mystery to me. I've had a gazillion kinds, and most of them have been disappointing. The flavors are unbalanced, or there too runny, or they have no flavor at all. So I was feeling a little uncertain about the recipe I chose, because I'd never made baked beans before, but I wanted baked beans and there was no stopping.

After cooking the dried beans on Saturday night, I thought they were too dry, so I added a little more water to them before putting them in the crock pot. As they were cooking on Sunday, the liquid looked way too thin, but my common sense said leave it alone.

When I was mixing all the other ingredients together, I realized I didn't have enough brown sugar, so I added a couple tablespoons of raw sugar. I still had less than a cup, but I decided it was best to leave it alone and check it for taste later. I didn't add onion powder, because why would I? A real onion should be enough.

I'm both surprised and pleased with how they turned out. When it was time to serve them, they were the perfect consistency and just the right blend of sweet and tangy. Victory.

The cole slaw recipe is easy, but without a full sized food processor, shredding the cabbage is a big job. Once I was done with that, there was no way I was shredding a bell pepper too. I used my mezzaluna instead. Good decision. It was a close to perfect dice.

I didn't use an entire head of cabbage, so I had to adjust the other ingredients. I estimated I used about a third of the amount of cabbage that was called for, and I just went from there. The result was old time Pennsylvania Dutch cole slaw, just the kind I like.

The cake was a big adventure. Joe, you'll be interested to know that there was a massive hole in the cake. An enormous, batter-filled bubble formed in the middle while it was baking, and there were a few small bubbles around the edges. After I had baked the cake about 20 minutes longer than the maximum recommended time, I took it out of the oven and hoped for the best. I knew the bubble would collapse, but I wasn't expecting a sink hole the size of the ones we have in our back yard. Frosting covers up a multitude of sins.

Making the frosting wasn't a big deal, but, again, it's good thing I have a little common sense. The recipe called for 4-5 cups (1 to 1 1/4 lbs.) of confectioners sugar. After sifting it, I compared the amount of sugar to the amount of chocolate and butter,  and they seemed seriously out of proportion. I added the sugar a little at a time, for a total of about three cups. When it seemed close to the right consistency, I tasted it. Whoa. It was so sweet I almost gagged. I ended up adding more milk than was called for so my friends wouldn't die from sugar shock.
This made more than I needed, to the great joy of several of my guests.

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Cole Slaw (from Betty Groff's "Good Earth and Country Cooking". This is her original recipe. I adjusted as necessary.)

1 firm head of cabbage
1 green bell pepper
1 red bell pepper
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup cider vinegar
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. celery salt

Shred the cabbage and the peppers into a large bowl. Add all other ingredients and press with your hands until all the ingredients are blended. Refrigerate for at least one hour before serving.

To make creamed cole slaw, add one cup mayonnaise.

I used half of one very large red bell pepper ($1 at The Red and White. I love that store), a 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/2 tsp. of salt, and a couple tablespoons of vinegar and mayonnaise. I left out the celery salt, because I don't have it in the house. And I mixed the slaw with a spoon.

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Chocolate Buttercream Frosting (from The King Arthur Flour Baker's Companion. This is their original recipe. I adjusted as necessary.)

1/2 cup (3 oz.) of chocolate, sweetened, bittersweet, or unsweetened, chopped
4 tbls. (1/2 stick, 2 oz) softened butter
1/8 tsp. salt
4-5 cups ( 1 to 1/4 pounds) confectioners' sugar, sifted
2 tsps. vanilla
6 tbls. (3 oz) milk or cream

Melt the chocolate, about 3/4 of the way, in a double boiler, a heatproof bowl over boiling water, or in a microwave. Remove from heat and stir the chocolate until completely smooth. Cool to room temperature.

Beat together the butter and salt until fluffy. Add about half of the sugar and beat slowly until well blended. Add the vanilla and half the milk and beat until fluffy. Add the melted chocolate and mix until thoroughly blended. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and add the remaining sugar and milk alternately until completely incorporated. Beat until frosting is light and fluffy, adjusting the consistency with more sugar and milk as needed.

I used the full amount of chocolate, butter, and vanilla (of course. I'm all about the vanilla), a pinch of salt and about 7 tbls. of milk.
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This isn't going to make me continue to break  my rule. I've had enough failures in the past* to know I got lucky this time. But it did show me that my instincts are getting better, and that recipes are often just a guideline. Also, I need a kitchen scale, dammit.

*The worst was a caarmelized onion dip using a Cook's Illustrated recipe. I obviously wasn't paying attention when I added brown sugar to the onions just because they said I should. Uh, CI, onions get sweet on their own when you caramelize them, you frakking morons.

PS: Thanks, Joe, for letting me throw a party for you. I think it was a great one.

One other thing I discovered recently:

Instead of wrapping them in plastic, the best way to keep baked goods fresh is to cover them with a kitchen towel. I found this out when I was too lazy to take the four steps required to get the plastic wrap out of the cabinet. I threw kitchen towels over a loaf of bread and a poundcake. The next day, they were almost as fresh as if they had just come out of the oven.

If it's already been cut, place it cut side down on a board, or the counter.

Here are a few things I've learned recently:

I've known for a while now that freezing ginger is the best way to keep it fresh. What I didn't know is that it's just as easy to peel when it's frozen and much easier to grate. Unfrozen ginger sticks to the microplane; frozen, it grates as easily as parmegiano reggiano.

I no longer have a pastry cutter, which I didn't realize until after I had started making biscuits on a recent Sunday morning. I can, of course, use my hands, but I think a tool of some kind does a better job cutting the butter into the flour. Then I spied my potato masher. Stroke of genius, y'all. You have to use a really light touch with it, and finish the job with your hands, but it's an acceptable substitute if you suddenly realize your pastry cutter has disappeared.

Pasta e fagioli traditionally calls for pancetta (preferably) or bacon. I never have pancetta, and seldom have bacon. When I do have bacon, I don't think to save some for pasta e fagioli. But I do save the bacon fat. It occurred to me last week that I can get the flavor of the bacon by using a bit of the fat to saute the onion, celery and garlic. I added about 2 tsps. of it to the olive oil. Rich! It's rich, I say! Save that fat, y'all. Use it is small amounts. It makes a world of difference.

Speaking of pasta e fagioli, I've reduced the amount of water I use. This recipe calls for about 4 1/2 cups, but I cut it down to just over 3 1/2. More with the "rich" I mentioned above.

I've been asked many times if there's a particular type of beer to use in my red sauce. I've always recommended something not too heavy. I usually use Yuengling Lager, because it's what we drink and it's not heavy. I now have proof that the type of beer does matter. I used some Sam Adams Boston Lager recently, and the sauce was horrible. It tasted like I had put a cup of sugar in the sauce, which, as everyone knows, is about the biggest food crime you can commit, in my opinion. Logan thought it was OK, and that's not because he was being nice. He tells me when something sucks. So it 'scertainly a matter of personal taste. But I still recommend using a beer that won't overpower the flavor of the sauce. Or ruin it entirely.

Opinion Reconfirmed:

The people at Cook's Illustrated have always been asshats. It's not just because their proprietary attitude towards their recipes is unreasonable and condescending. Logan and I are planning a yard sale next month, and I'm going to sell the rest of my CI magazines. I was going through them yesterday, checking to see if there was anything I wanted to save. I came across a myth-busting article on bread making. They got enough wrong about how to bake bread I have wonder if they have any experience at all.

Some of their half truths:

Salt is essential: I agree. You should use salt to add some flavor. They claim that salt coming in direct contact with yeast will kill it. That might be true, but they also say you have to add salt after the yeast had been added to the dough. In the 30 years I've been making bread, I've had exactly one failed loaf, and that was because the water I used was too hot. I always mix the salt and yeast into the flour at the same time, and I've never had a problem.

Proofing isn't necessary: That's true if you make bread that sits overnight and has lots of time to rise. But if you want to make bread in 5-6 hours, I can attest it's best to proof the yeast. That CI uses instant yeast in their test kitchen might have something to do with not having to proof.

All-purpose flour is better than bread flour: I've used both, and AP flour make great bread. But bread flour makes the dough easier to handle. It''s not as sticky, which allows you to use more water to create a thicker, crispier crust. Use either.
Flat out bullshit:

You should use a standing mixer: OK, I realize that Joe and I are probably the only people left on earth who make bread by hand, and I'm only assuming he does. But I'd like to  know how our mothers and grandmothers made such awesome bread without the benefit of a very expensive piece of equipment. Maybe the bread the Jews made while they were wandering through the desert would have risen if they'd had a standing mixer.

While going through another issue, I came across a recipe for fast lasagna. First off, I stopped paying attention to CI's Italian recipes long ago, because they don't know what they're talking about. My curiosity got the best of me, and I had to check it out. This recipe didn't prove any different. The first thing they said that made me want to punch a wall was that lasagna takes the better part of a day to make. That, I assume, is because they still believe you have to cook sauce for 5 or 6 six hours, which is not true. You can make a great sauce in about 90 minutes, and that includes prep work. While the sauce is cooking, you can grate and mix the cheese, and even prep the noodles. Lately I've been putting them in my baking pan and covering them with boiling water. Separate them with a fork to keep them from sticking together (adding a little oil will help), cover with foil and let them sit for about a half hour. Drain them and let them cool. Rinsing is fine if you want to do it.

Assembling a pan of lasagna takes 15 minutes. It's not an exact technique. Just throw that stuff in the baking pan, a layer at a time, mixing the cheese into the sauce. (I use my fingers. It's the most effective method.) Cover it with foil and put it in a 375 degree oven, baking for 35-45 minutes. Remove the foil and let it bake for another 6-8 minutes. Remove from the oven and let it rest for 20 minutes. (Times are approximate. I usually check the lasagna at 35 minutes to see how it's coming along. if it needs more time, I re-cover it and let it bake for another 10.

This takes even less time if you already have some sauce in the freezer, or (shudder) you use sauce from a jar. If you do that, please don't tell me.

CI also says to grease the bottom of the baking pan, which...what? In the more than gazillion years I've been making lasagna, it never occurred to me to grease the pan. Just make sure there's a nice layer of sauce on the bottom.

I would never say that we can't learn anything from the experts. They're experts for a reason. But I believe that we learn our best lessons in our own kitchens and in the kitchens of our friends and families.

I let the puff pastry sit in the refrigerator for 24 hours, and spent the afternoon trying to decide what to do with. Sweet or savory? Sweet, for sure. Chocolate, fruit or sugar? I decided I wanted palmieres, but they're such a pain in the ass to make. Then  I realized (yet another "duh" moment in my cooking/baking life) that I could do whatever I wanted with the shape of the pastry.

I mixed about a 1/3 cup of sugar with a pinch of kosher salt, and sprinkled the work surface with half the sugar. I laid the dough on top of the sugar and covered it entirely with the remaining sugar. I rolled the dough out to a 16"x16" square, cut that into 4"x4" pieces, and rolled them into crescents like a croissant. This gave me 16 crescents.

I baked them at 400 degrees, checking them after 15 minutes. They weren't ready yet, so I set the time for another 10 minutes, at which point they looked perfect, and, good lord, they were huge. I, of course, had to have a couple, for tasting purposes only. I waited just long enough so that they were still warm but I was reasonably sure I wouldn't burn my tongue. Not that it wouldn't have been worth it. They tasted great, but were still a tiny bit doughy in the middle. I let them sit for another 30  minutes, and had another one. Close to perfect. By the time Logan got home, maybe an hour later, they were completely cooled and the dough had set up. The pastry itself was light and airy, and the flavor rich and buttery. Just like everything should be. How we managed not to eat all 16 of them in one night is still a mystery to me.

For whatever reason, they tasted better than a traditionally shaped palmiere. Who needs elephant ears? Sugar crescents are the bomb. In fact, maybe I should call them sugar bombs.

I cut the rest of the dough into 6"x6" squares, wrapped each one tightly (plastic wrap and a freezer bag), and put them in the freezer.

I'm really happy with how this turned out. After all the work, and the mess, and the time, and needing extra hydrocodone, I would do it again. With homemade cookies, brownies, or even cakes, I've always said you can make them yourself in just a little more time than it takes to get in the car, drive to the store, find the bagged cookies/cake mix/whatever, stand in the check out line, get back in the car, and drive home. That's not the case with puff pastry. It is a lot easier to go to the store and get Pepperidge Farm's frozen pastry, and I would never say that stuff sucks. Making your own takes patience, attention and at least an entire afternoon, and I doubt it costs less than what you can get at the grocery store. You really have to want to do it. As long as I have enough butter and pain killers, I'll probably be making it by hand.

By puffy shirt, I mean there's puff pastry dough all over my baseball shirt. I've finally decided to climb the mountain. I'm using the recipe from The King Arthur Flour Baker's Companion.

I started a little after noon. Here's how it's gone so far:

They assume if you're tackling puff pastry, you already know a thing or two about working with flour and butter. Wisely, because this is not a job for a beginner or the impatient. You'll need to know that the butter should be cut up into small pieces before you work it into the flour.

They recommend using a dough whisk or a fork to mix the flour, water and butter. I don't have a dough whisk, and Screw the fork. I used my trusty wooden spoon, then my hands to complete the mixing.

To prepare the butter (which means combining 3 1/2 sticks of butter with a 1/2 cup of flour), the butter should be softened but still cool to the touch. I don't really know what that means. The butter got a little warmer and softer than I think it was supposed to be, but 10 minutes in the refrigerator before mixing solved that.

I still don't have a food processor, and my standing mixer is in the utility room behind the kitchen. Considering the 1 1/2 hydrocodone I've taken today hasn't touched the pain in my back, I had no intention of dragging the  mixer out, so I started with mixing with my wooden spoon and, again, finished with my hands. 

Next I had to roll out the butter. They recommend doing it on a piece of lightly floured plastic wrap. They don't suggest also covering the butter with more plastic wrap, but that's what worked. I dusted the butter with some flour first. No matter what you do, rolling flour the flour is still a pain in the ass.

Both the dough and the butter have to sit in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes. I took the time to eat some lunch and watch an episode of Without A Trace. Oh, Samantha is being held hostage by Tom Irwin (also seen on last night's episode of 24, as the doomed insecticide plant manager. Poor Tom. He's always getting into trouble.)

2PM: Time to roll the dough and butter together. When I picked up the butter (8"x8" square), it broken a little on the left side. Whatever. I'd deal with it later. I folded the dough over the butter (correctly, even though the illustration wasn't right. Who knew I had any common sense about this stuff?) It had to be rolled out into a 10"x20" rectangle. Just roll that baby out, right? Um, no. There's lots of fixing and adjusting and breaking of air bubbles and trying to repair the break in the butter and smoothing out the lines in the dough and turning the dough because that's what you do and Ina Garten says to always make sure the dough can move on the work surface, and then Logan calls and asks me to make a sandwich for him, because he stuck in traffic, behind a funeral procession, and I do it because that's the kind of wife I am.

The dough has to be even on all sides. There's some overlapping dough. Instead of fucking around with it, I cut it off, wrap it separately, and put it in the fridge. There will be no wasting of the dough.

It has to be rolled and folded twice, then it goes back in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes. Finally done with that step, I check the time. It's 2:51. Gah, did it really take me almost an hour? I set the timer for 35 minutes, and start this post. When I take it out, it's all pretty and kind of smooth. Roll, fold and turn twice more. The more I roll, the easier it is to work with. It's soft but firm, and beautiful, and this time, it only took 20 minutes. Back in the refrigerator for at least another 30 minutes.

There's 17 minutes left until the final two rollings. I'll be back soon.

I take another hydrocodone, because my back feels likes it's in a vice.

5:15: The last phase went without a hitch. The dough is in the refrigerator now. It has to sit for at least an hour (and preferably overnight) before I can do anything with it. I'm not sure whether I should have folded it one more time, so I didn't. I put together a good size piece of dough from all the scraps. I'll do something with that tonight.

I won't know if I got this right until I actually makes something with the dough. I could make palmieres, but I was thinking about croissants. That totally depends on what time I get up tomorrow.

This was not easy, but it was fun. It's satisfying to see that lovely dough sitting in the refrigerator after I worked long and hard on it. It's not something I'd do regularly, but I would do it again. 

Joe brought this to my attention a few weeks ago. I'm going to try it, because the only thing better than Anthony Bourdain is Anthony Bourdain for free.

There are a few problems with this.

1) The idea that anyone other than the man himself can write in Bourdain's voice is as stupid as thinking anyone can write in Hunter S. Thompson's voice. And I'm sure most of you have experienced the horror of badly written gonzo journalism, i.e., anything not written by Thompson.

2) I'm not sure if the News & Observer will be publishing the winning essay, but how can you write like Anthony Bourdain without saying" fuck" a whole lot? And bitching about not being able to smoke?

3) I think Bourdain would be horrified by the results.

I'm doing it anyway. You can't win if you don't play.

I ganked this from Kate at Accidental Hedonist. Check out this post from marketingcharts. com. A lot of the information is disturbing to someone who's never been on a diet in her life, but this (also the subject of Kate's post) is the kicker.

Despite Diets, Treats are Important

Though most dieters report eating low-fat, fat-free or diet items while they are trying to lose weight, the top five “treat” items items eaten on diets are sorbet/ice cream, mayonnaise, margarine, crackers and cookies.

Jesus. Margarine? That's pathetic. Even when Americans indulge themselves, they're afraid of butter. I'm surprised to see ice cream on the list. According to the still-obsessed-with-Sex-and-the-City demographic, fat-free yogurt tastes exactly the same.

This isn't much better. The majority of people currently on a diet will try any new diet available. I can't wait to hear how their experience with Alli goes.

I can't believe that people still fall for the bullshit that is dieting. It doesn't take a genius to know that eating less and exercising are the best ways to lose and maintain weight. Jenny Craig can send you all the prepackaged meals you're willing to pay for, but they don't teach you how to eat. Remove starches from your diet and you'll lost weight, but as soon as you start eating them again, the weight will come right back on. Moderation, idiots.
 

The Barbecue Song. Thanks to Dean at Varmint Bites for posting it.

Over at Accidental Hedonist, Varina posted this cookie recipe that sounds as good as my chocolate chocolate chip cookies, maybe better. They're actually very similar, but she recommends black cocoa powder, which I've never heard of. I guess I'm going on a search.

I'll report on the results. And I would greatly appreciate it if someone can tell me something about black cocoa powder.

Because I know about more than how to make great red sauce, I started a beauty blog. Join me. Read, laugh, get pissed off, comment.

You don't have to sign up with blogspot to comment. You can post as anonymous and sign your name (even if it's a screen name. I like to have an idea of who's talking to me), or use "name/url".

Sometimes the New York Times actually doesn't annoy me. Here's a brief article on the 11 best easily accessible foods to eat.

A lot of people hate beets, but they're one of my favorite root vegetables. Even if you're not a beet fan, you might like the greens. Throw them in some soup or saute them in olive oil (or butter, if you want). They don't need much more than that. They're loaded with flavor.

I've developed quite a love for cabbage. Johnny Bowden, a nutritionist and the creator of the list, recommends making cole slaw or using cabbage as a topping for burgers and sandwiches. I've been adding it to soup lately. It adds bulk and tastes great. Give it some time to cook down. It takes at least 20 minutes.

Frozen blueberries. Seriously, how awesome is that?

Poor prunes. They'll never live down their bad image as gross, old people food. Plums are just as good for you.

As always, the comments are full of dumb shit. One woman wants to know if she has to eat scrambled eggs with turmeric. She doesn't like scrambled eggs. Geez, do some damned research. She probably also only reads what Oprah tells her to. Another commenter says the entire article is crap. Just take a multi-vitamin. But isn't it better to get nutrients from actual food, instead of a pill? And how much fun is it to take a pill when you can try something new?

Someone chastised Bowden for recommending that the swiss chard be sauted in butter; another complained about wrapping prunes in prosciutto. These are not people I want at my dinner table. I don't trust anyone who's afraid of butter or prosciutto. Moderation, idiots.

Oooh, I just spotted another one.

You know, I like tofu. It's a nice way to stretch a stir fry and it's really good in hot and sour soup. But I'm not putting it in my smoothie. If I don't want milk, I'll use yogurt. You only need about a 1/4 cup. And isn't a smoothie supposed to fill you up?

I'm not terribly impressed with Bowden's recommendations for how to use these foods. But he's a nutritionist, not a cook. And his recs are a good starting point. Throw a little cinnamon on your cereal or toast until you figure out what else to do with it. I''ve decided that pumpkin pie is a great vehicle for two of his suggestions. It has cinnamon and canned pumpkin in it. Maybe it's the perfect food.

My family loves me. They always put so much thought into the presents they buy.

My sister gave me a 4 1/2 quart Le Creuset French oven, in burgundy. I hugged the damned this and told Logan he wasn't allowed to touch it.

My brother gave me a gift certificate to Penzey's (mmmm....spices and herbs), the second biggest serrated knife I've ever seen (I can't find it on the Henckels site. Trust me, it's awesome), and two gift certificates (one from last year and one from this year) for Chef's. I was thinking about making one big purchase, but there are too many cool, little things I can get instead. (That honey dispenser just might save my marriage. Logan loves honey, and it gets on everything. I'm ready to ban it from the house.)

My mother-in-law gave me a 9"x13" Pyrex baking dish. I have one, but every time I make brownies in it, I realize the next day that I need it for something else. I should have gone out ages ago and bought another one, but laziness and a crappy memory but the kibosh on that. Everyone should have at least two.

My mother sent me a big, fat check. It might go towards clothes, but then again, digging through the housewares at Tuesday Morning and TJ Maxx beats the hell out of trying on jeans.

Anyway, this isn't about me bragging over the great haul I made. It's about people actually putting some thought into the presents they give.

Thank you. You all rock.

As a companion piece to my most recent post, read Bob del Grosso's post, here. He says the list is an ideal to work towards. I think most of his suggestions are easily attained.

The spirit of his list is taking control away from "people who don't give a rat's hair about your well-being" and accepting responsibility for our own well-being. That's not hard. It's just a matter of thinking about what we put in our mouths. I'm especially pleased that he includes diet hucksters in his list of people who don't care about us. Anyone unfamiliar with Alli's most (in)famous side effect? (Caution: really icky content. Do not read while eating. Don't say I didn't warn you.) Is that worth losing a pound a month?

On a more personal note, del Grosso is the person who inspires me the most.  He's the reason I want to make changes in how I buy and eat food. I would call him my mentor, but it might embarrass him. At any rate, put him in your bookmarks. He's smart and funny and he might challenge everything you believe about food.

I've never been much for New Year's resolutions. My life has never magically changed as the second hand moved to 12 midnight January 1st. Burning a calendar from the outgoing year is a fun ritual, especially when you're standing in front of a firepit with your friends, drinking the sparkling wine of your choice. (We had prosecco this year. Logan hates champagne, but loves prosecco.) But it's only as significant as you believe it is.

All that said, I have decided that this is as good a time as any to make a few changes in the way we eat. Logan and I have always tried to support local businesses, and we'll continue to do that (that includes food and non-food businesses). That's particularly easy when it comes to restaurants. Durham is full of great locally owned places to eat. It's not too hard for us to shop locally either. The problem arises when we shop at a locally owned store but buy food that's not locally produced.  That I know of, no one around here grows coffee beans, and there's no way I'm giving up coffee. What about tea, oranges and bananas? Can I get around the potato chip and pretzel issue by only eating what we bring back from central PA, the snack food capital of the world? That's not a bad idea. I would only eat them once or twice a year that way.

My biggest problem is the meat we buy. I've become increasingly concerned about the way the animals are treated, and the crap that goes into their bodies. But, on our very limited budget, meat produced by big agra is a whole lot cheaper than what I can get at the farmer's market. For a long time, that seemed like an insurmountable problem. Then it dawned on me that the solution is actually very easy. Eat less meat, and spend more on the good stuff that's locally produced. I'm already an expert on cooking with pasta, beans, rice and vegetables, and we sometimes go a week or more eating meatless dishes. Cutting back a bit more isn't going to hurt us.

I'll never be a vegetarian. I love pork and chicken way too much. And veganism is not an option. Life without cheese and ice cream isn't worth living. Eggs are too cheap and too easy to prepare to give them up. And you can't make a decent cookie without eggs and butter.

I'm not sure how Logan will feel about even less meat in our diet. And I don't know if I'll be able to resist a whole pork loin at Costco prices, seeing as how we can get ten or twelve meals out of one. So this isn't so much a resolution as it is an attempt to make a change. Baby steps are better than nothing.

Logan bought me this for Christmas. Before any of you girls out there start yapping about how men should know better than to give their wives kitchen appliances as gifts, please note that it was at the top of my list. The crock pot I already have, although still dependable, is a bit small. And I just couldn't resist that mini-me pot that comes with it. At least one of my friends has this same set. etselec, maybe?

I immediately broke the crock pot in with some Italian sausage and red sauce. (I had a lot of sauce to make, so I also used my old one. I'm not getting rid of it.) Its lowest setting cooks a little higher than I expected, but it seems incapable of burning anything, so I'm not going to worry about it.

I think it was designed by someone who actually cooks, because it 's intuitive and couldn't be easier to use. Even the owner's manual makes sense. As a bonus, the pot itself is oven safe, so I now have another good-sized cooking vessel.

I think my next project will be this. It's looks so very good. (And I take every opportunity I can to pimp Melissa's blog. I have nothing but praise for Melissa. She's only been cooking for about a year, and she's entirely self-taught. She's fearless, and I suspect she's always had the instincts of a great cook. Also, I seriously believe she's going to start thinking I'm stalking her.) I've never made jambalaya before, and I'm looking forward to it.

________________

I might have posted this in a previous entry, but if I'm too lazy to look for it, I can't expect you to. So here's the recipe for Italian sausage in red sauce:

Three 28 oz. cans tomatoes (whole, diced or crushed. Whatever you prefer)
1 8 oz can tomato paste
1 8 oz can tomato sauce
6 oz. beer (I usually use Yuengling Lager, but any kind will do. You can also use stock, wine or water)
Approximately 2 lbs. Italian sausage (hot, sweet, or a combination); or as much as your slow cooker can accomodate
1 small onion, chopped*
3-4 garlic cloves, crushed
2 bay leaves
Approximately 1 tbls. of thyme and/or oregano (dried. You can also use fresh), or a really good Italian herb blend (Penzey's is awesome); or any other herbs that would be appropriate in a red sauce. I like to see the herbs in the sauce after everything has been mixed together. If I don't, I add more.
Salt and pepper to taste
A good-sized piece of rind from Parmigiano Reggiano or Romano cheese, or just cut off a piece of the cheese, if you don't have a rind

Fill a big-ass pot with water and bring to a boil. Poke a few holes in the sausage with a fork. When water boils, add sausage and simmer for 30 minutes. Remove from water and drain on towels. (This is an optional step, but I think it's vital, unless you want your sauce covered with a layer of fat.**)
When the sausage has cooled enough for you to handle it, you can cut each link into as many pieces as you want. Or leave it whole.

Put sausage into slow cooker. Add all other ingredients and mix well. Set at lowest temperature and cook for at least 8 hours. The longer you cook it, the more tender the sausage will be.

*You can saute the onion first, but it's not necessary.
**A lot of people brown the sausage before adding it to the sauce. This is considered blasphemy in my family, but I'm done with that argument. Do whatever works for you.

________________

I swear by this recipe. Your friends will love you for feeding it to them.

In response to the Food Fight post Michael Ruhlman put up last month (the one that sent me completely over the edge), Paula posted this comment on his blog. (I'm posting the entire thing so nothing is taken out of context.)

People who are not feeling the pain of this financial crisis need to be sensitive to the fact that the people who are struggling right now... ARE ANGRY. And, they have reason to be. If you were in their shoes, you might be, too. We do not need to deepen the growing tension or the class divide.

This food "movement" is an ever important and passionate one, but it is also wrought with elitism and snobbery to a disgusting degree.

I am not struggling financially right now and I am fortunate for that. However, I sense the anger everywhere, and try to be sensitive to it. I have struggled in the past, and I completely understand the aversion to people treating you like you are doing something wrong, when you are doing the best you can for family, yourself, your body, your community and the environment, and to just survive.

When I was an out-of-work single-mother during the dot-bomb crisis, I sometimes (tragically) had no choice but to feed myself and my daughter many meals in a row based on 8-cent ramen packages (that I tried to make healthy by avoiding the flavor packet and adding tamari with canned tuna or peas and an egg or something similar), and sometimes I even resorted to the (gasp!) fast food dollar menu's, when I was just too weary from job hunting and motherly duties to shop or cook or even stand another minute on my feet, but had to feed us something and only had $2 to my name. It was horrible. We didn't eat as much produce and proteins as I would like, and forget the concept of organic, but we survived to shop at farmer's markets once again. Just as my divorced, single-mother of a grandmother and her four kids survived the food rations (I have seen the government issued ration tickets as proof) here in California during World War II.

Food became industrialized as it is for a reason. For better and for worse. What is unfortunate is it's absolute decline.

And, grocery chains are not evil. You were most likely raised on them, and they were a godsend to your mother - no doubt, as they are to people in rural and suburban areas across the country. We would be lost without them.

I am not a "locavore", but I try to eat locally as much as possible and always have - long before I knew there was a political "movement." But, I am also extremely grateful for the fact that I can buy food items from around the world, even in my lame suburban neighborhood. I believe in import and export. Trading. Sharing. Exploring. I really don't see that changing, nor would I want it to. We would never know global cuisine as we do, without it.

What I do want is for food quality and access to improve. For the food industry to become sustainable. And most importantly, for honesty and integrity in food practices across the board, starting with artificial flavoring that genetically alters your taste buds for the sake of "flavor." (see the July issue of Gourmet Magazine on the Science of Flavor if you have no idea what horrors I am talking about).

Every effort to improve our food quality, sources and practices should be applauded, but those efforts should not come in the form of criticizing supporters of the same goals. Especially in these financially desperate times where people who were just recently accustomed to a grander lifestyle are now forced to go without and struggle daily for their mere survival.

Just like religion, no one will follow you if you act holier than thou and try to beat everyone over the head with your dogma, and guilt and shame them into thinking that their natural pleasures and desires or methods of survival "wrong."

It's human nature to resist what is shoved down your throat.

People will more likely follow you in this "movement" if you are obviously involved in or enjoying something special that they will want to seek out, as well. People will naturally want a piece of whatever it is you are enjoying so much.

Most people do not respond favorably to attempts to shame them over something as deeply personal as what they choose to, or can afford to, eat. We foodies should be able to understand this, since food is so obviously important to us. Right?

Finally, this lengthy post is not directed at Michael (Michael's post was informative and right on point, and I look forward to seeing the film and spreading the word - thanks Michael and Chris!), or anyone in particular, for that matter. It is to all of the (hopefully) well-meaning people who don't realize that they are often being arrogant, insensitive, pushy, offensive and rude - especially to those who actually support this "movement," yet can't afford to live it full-time, and in some cases not much at all.

Those well-meaning people may actually be hurting the "movement" with their poor manners, and need to re-assess their tact.

I have to publicly thank Paula for backing me up, especially considering she's not in the position I'm in. She was at one time, and hasn't forgotten what it was like.

What I want to talk about today is this:

And, grocery chains are not evil. You were most likely raised on them, and they were a godsend to your mother - no doubt, as they are to people in rural and suburban areas across the country. We would be lost without them.

I am not a "locavore", but I try to eat locally as much as possible and always have - long before I knew there was a political "movement." But, I am also extremely grateful for the fact that I can buy food items from around the world, even in my lame suburban neighborhood. I believe in import and export. Trading. Sharing. Exploring. I really don't see that changing, nor would I want it to. We would never know global cuisine as we do, without it.

Lately, shopping at a chain store is reason for embarrassment and shame. I've fallen into the trap myself, always point out that I do most of my shopping at a small, locally owned store down the street.  It's so close I don't even have to walk. Look at me. I'm environmentally conscious.

Yeah, well, I'm done with that. It's made me want to kick my own ass. Not shopping at the local store, but making a big deal of it. I'm not better than anyone else for shopping there, I'm just lucky that I can. I love that store. They have most of what I need, they know who I am, and the store reminds  me of the one close to my house when I was a kid. (My mother would send me there to get bread and cigarettes. Shock! Horror!)

Anyway, Paula's point that chain stores are often the only choice for many people in this country is well taken. It's either that or over-priced convenience stores, which are usually only good for soda, cigarettes, snack, beer and milk. Staples all, in my house, but not exactly a basis for a healthy lifestyle. People need to go "to where the food is" (credit to the late, great Sam Kinison).

It can't be ignored that chain stores are huge part of the economy, and they provide good paying jobs to many Americans. Besides decent pay, they also provide benefits. Some are even unionized. Others keep their pay and benefits competitive so they can stay non-union. If Giant, Kroger, Harris Teeter (The TWEETER!) et al all shut down, The U.S. would be in a heap of trouble. Maybe not in as big a heap as if the auto companies close, but no jobs and no food is no small thing.

But I don't think the above arguments are the only relevant ones. People are going to shop where they can get the most for their money. If that means buying chicken breasts two for one at The Tweeter, who am I to criticize them? And, as Paula points out, sometimes a chain store is exactly where you want to go to get ingredients that aren't local - capers, anchovies, tahini.

And anyone who says "I shop at Whole Foods" gets no extra points. Whole Foods is a chain, y'all. Yes, they sell organic food, but who knows where it comes from? And it costs a fortune. I go there occasionally, because they have a great cheese counter, and they sell a gazillion types of grains, flour, nuts and candy in bulk. But why would I buy organic, "origin unknown" Romaine at Whole Foods when I can get locally grown Romaine from the local store or the farmer's market? You want to shop there, again, it's not my place to criticize. But don't kid yourself into thinking it's any better than going to a Kroger.

Like Paula, I don't consider myself a locavore. First of all, I hate the word. But more than that, I can only do so much when it comes to eating locally grown food. I shop at the farmer's market, and the locally owned store, and Costco (most definitely not a local store). We occasionally go to the Compare, which is also very close; and to The Tweeter every six weeks of so, where we go if we're driving by and we need something specific.

I don't see the U.S. ever going back to eating only local food. No more bananas? Or worse, no more coffee? No one is taking my coffee away. I don't care where it comes from.

*Blog post title stolen from Joe.








 

I'm so mad right now I could spit. Michael Ruhlman put up this post about a new documentary called Food Fight. He encourages everyone to pay more for their food, which is, of course, a great idea. But, honestly, how in hell can his readers think it's just a matter of changing priorities? A lot of the comments pissed me off, but this is one of the worst:

The "buy staples at the lowest price so we can splurge on the trinkets" is an epidemic of modern society. Over the next year or so we will begin paying the real cost of that folly as federal bailouts start hitting our pocketbooks. It's time for all of us to refocus on what's really important and that's the real quality of our lives.

WTF? Splurging on trinkets? Does he mean stuff like heating bills? Are those trinkets? Going out for a beer is a big deal for us these days.

I f I could, I would gladly pay $5/lb for organic chicken at the farmer's market. But I can't. It's all we can do right now to pay our mortgage. Our health insurance premiums are $2500/month, and they're killing us. We have one car and it's 8 years old. Thank God we finally paid it off.

I have a savant-like ability to stretch both our grocery money and the food I buy. I do everything I can to eat healthily and locally (despite my addiction to Oreos and potato chips). We do a good part of our food shopping at a locally owned food store and at the farmer's market. I haven't stepped inside a chain grocery store in months.  Oops. Does Costco count? Yeah, well, if it's a food crime to buy some of my food at Costco, it's a bigger one to shop at Whole Foods and pat your self-important ass on your self-important back about it. Whole Foods is a chain too.

I truly believe that we can only do better by being conscientious about where we buy our food and what its origins are. But too many people in this movement apparently have no idea that there are Americans who are in such dire straits that paying higher prices for everything isn't a possibility. Local farmers deserve every penny they charge at the markets, but I can't afford it. Neither can a lot of other people.

Maybe I have no place in this movement, but if there's no place for me, then it's just a whole bunch of assholes congratulating each other for how enlightened they are. Instead of it being about The People, it becomes a classist movement with no connection to the lives of millions (number pulled out of my ass in order to make a point). This movement should be about doing what you can, not judging those who can't.

(Also posted on my other blog, Occasional Blond)

I've always loved summer fruits. I wait impatiently for strawberries to come into season, and I can never decide if the peach or the blueberry is my favorite. Put them together and I could die happy.But I've recently developed quite a love affair with apples.

Apples always seemed uninteresting to me, I suppose because they are available all year round (even if they shouldn't be). They're the forgotten fruit. For a long time, the only types we could find were red delicious (the worst apple in the history of that fruit), the granny smith and, if you really wanted to live on the edge, the macintosh. I like granny smiths because they're great for eating and cooking, and the macintosh is nice and sweet. I could have lived with those, but a few years ago I discovered the gala. I don't even remember why I bought them. Maybe because they're so pretty. Or maybe they were on special at Harris Teeter and I decided to try them.

Anyway, the gala has been my apple of choice since then. It easy to find small galas, which I prefer. A little apple makes a perfect snack, and if I eat one before I give in to my craving for some refined sugar, I can avoid cookies and brownies. How much sugar do I really need?

Last year, an upstart appeared on, or in, the market. It's the honey crisp. Have you seen them? Tasted them? Bought any? Check out this post on Accidental Hedonist. Charmian is right when says they really are that huge. They're the size of a small dog's head, which seems excessive, unless you're a small dog.

Logan and I were in the mountains last weekend. We stopped at a farm stand on the way home. I checked out the honey crisps, but decided against them because of the cost. They were $2.39/lb, and each one probably weighs a pound. The cheapskate in me won out. We  picked up some galas and some jonagolds. The galas are good, as always, but the  jonagolds are tear-inducingly fabulous. They're mild but also tart, sweet and a little spicy. And like the galas, they were .99/lb.

If you've abandoned apples, I suggest you go back to them right now. Beg forgiveness. Re-establish your relationship. Although I'm too damned cheap to pay $1.00 or more extra for the new star in the apple world, check out the honey crisps. I can think of worse things to splurge on. I also recommend trying a jonagold if you haven't yet. It's been around for 40 years, and I'd say it's just getting better with time.