Top Chef Masters Recap: Season 1, Episode 1
Instead of a panel of food professionals doing the judging, there will be panel of food critics. Also, no Tom Colicchio. Noooo! And the show is being hosted by Kelly Choi instead of Padma Lakshmi. You’ll see that I didn’t know that last part until after the show started.
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Before the beginning of Top Chef Masters Episode 1, I caught the last minute or so of Top Chef’s Season 5 finale. There’s Hosea, not talking about how happy he is to win, but gloating about beating Stefan. Such a huge difference between those two attitudes, and I don’t think Hosea gets the first one. He says things are going to change. Hell yeah, things are going to change, Hosea. Your girlfriend’s going to dump you for having sex with Leah on national television
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Oh, there’s my girl Karla, crying about losing but being her usual gracious, awesome, moonbeamy, wonderful self. Don’t cry, Karla. Your catering business is about to go through the roof, honey. You have legions of fans. You could start a cult if you wanted to.
OK. Top Chef Masters begins. I’m kind of bouncing up and down on the couch from excitement. Wait, where’s Padma? Who’s Kelly Choi? Should I just start hating her now or give her a chance?
The chefs arrive. Hubert Keller (a former Top Chef guest judge), Tim Love, Michael Schlow, and Christopher Lee. Among them they own around 472 restaurants. I’m going to say now that I think Hubert is going to win this round. I mean, he’s French. Pack your knives, inferior American chefs.
The chefs’ charities are:
Michael – Cam Neely Foundation
Hubert – Make a Wish
Christopher – Autism Speaks
Tim – March of Dimes.
Kelly explains the show format to the chefs, and says that each week, they’ll be bringing back a favorite Quickfire Challenge from a previous season of Top Chef. She announces that this week’s Quickfire Challenge is the most dreaded course of all – dessert. The guys lose it a little bit, because making dessert is synonymous with hell.
Kelly says the Quickfire judges have a great affinity for sweets. I’d say that means either pissed off women or kids. It kids! I groan. No one under 18 should be allowed on television. Oh no. They’re cute junior Girl Scouts. Run, chefs. Don’t y’all know that the Girl Scouts is just a paramilitary organization with cookies?
Each chef can earn up to five stars for his dessert, and they have 60 minutes to complete the challenge.
Hubert will be making chocolate swans with meringue, chocolate mousse and orange sabayon. He also makes a little meringue mouse. Cute.
Michael decides on peanut butter chocolate candies, chocolate brownie-like cake, and honey almond ice cream.
Tim goes for a family favorite, strawberries three ways – dipped in chocolate, a milkshake, and chicken-fried.
Christopher says that kids love French toast, and his will be accompanied by bananas and maple syrup fluff, all served on a stick.
Tim has a shot of tequila, then juggles some oranges.
There’s some trouble in dessert-hell. Michael’s cake won’t bake and his ice cream won’t freeze. I’m curious whether he just hasn’t given the cake enough time or if the oven is malfunctioning. Cakes do take a while to bake, but the ovens on Top Chef have a tendency to not work. I think the ice cream is a total failure. He serves the candies, scoops out some cake, which looks almost done to me, and covers it with ganache.
A red-headed girl scout says Michael’s dessert tastes like a Tag-a-Long. Ooh, not bad at all. Another says the strawberry milkshake is a little sour. The red-head says the French toast is crunchy outside and too soft inside. All the girls go crazy over Hubert’s dessert. The guys are impressed with all the girls, but especially the red-head. She has the makings of a great food critic. The chefs all have a good laugh over the fear being stricken into their hearts by a bunch of 8 year olds.
Hubert takes it, of course, with 5 stars. He’s humble. Tim gets 3 ½ stars, Christopher gets 3 ½, and Michael gets 2 ½. They’re great sports about losing to the French guy.
It’s time for the Elimination challenge:
Kelly tells the guys that they’ll be cooking at a local college. Each chef has to prepare a 3 course meal for the judges and some college students, using only a hot plate, a toaster oven and a microwave. They each have a budget of $150, and 45 minutes to shop, and they’ll have access to a very limited pantry (we never see what those items are). Once they get to the college, they’ll have two hours to prep and cook. The guys seem a little worried because they don’t shop themselves. I get the feeling Hubert hasn’t been inside a grocery store in at least 20 years, because he seems particularly confused by Whole Foods. For that he’s won my heart. I’m also confused by Whole Foods, although probably for entirely different reasons.
Hubert manages to lose his cart. Tim, Michael and Christopher also need time to get situated, and there’s no ground pork for Tim’s special pork chili (see why I’m confused? Why wouldn’t Whole Foods have ground fucking pork). Now he has no idea what he’s going to make. Christopher gets pork chops even though he never cooks them.
Jump to the next morning. The guys are packing up to head over to the college. Tim realizes that he put his food in the freezer instead of the cooler. Oh no. All the produce is frozen. He’s screwed. To his credit, his demeanor never changes, although he does say that it was a huge “holy shit” moment. I’m picturing the level 10 meltdown Leah would have in these circumstances, and it’s not pretty. Tim Love is made of cool. Christopher says if Tim pulls off the veg disaster he should win.
They arrive at the college, and Kelly tells them there’s a surprise. They’ll be cooking in the dorm rooms. Oh Christ. I hate this shit. Can’t you just let them cook? The guys barely flinch. They’re so unflappable and I think I love them all.
Here are their menus:
Tim Love: scallop Carpaccio with lime and chili, squash and corn pozole, and skirt steak with braised kale
Michael: salmon crudo, cabbage soup with smoked bacon, fennel, and white bean, and pork a la apicius with broccolini and mushrooms.
Christopher: red snapper ceviche with citrus juices, avocado and popcorn, creamy risotto with prosciutto and parmesan, and pork chop with piperade, crushed potatoes, mache and fennel salad.
Hubert: Fresh Scottish salmon mui cuit over creamy whole grain mustard, hearty carrot and petit pea soup with cinnamon croutons, and creamy mac and cheese with prawns, mushrooms, and fresh herbs.
There’s a lot happening while the chefs get set up. Hubert says he never went to college, and if he hadn’t become a chef he would be a DJ. I say a rock star, y’all.
Michael jokingly chastises his student for having an unmade bed. Tim says he’s making the pozole with no hominy, which sort of makes it not pozole, but he should be able to pull flavor from the corn. Christopher offers left over popcorn to the guys.
There’s an interstitial with the chefs trying to figure out the microwaves. Michael doesn’t have one at home, and Hubert says he has one but only uses it to dry the newspaper.
They’re cooking, they’re cooking. Hubert realizes there’s no running water in the dorm room and he has to drain and refresh the macaroni. To the showers, man! Seriously, he takes the pasta into the shower room and hoses it down, first with cold water, then with hot.
It’s time to meet the critics. Gael Greene! With a funny hat. Jay Rayner, the restaurant critic for The Observer in London. He can’t possibly be any more irritating than Toby was on last season’s Top Chef, so he’s already ahead of the game. James Oseland, editor-in-chief of Saveur Magazine. My internet BFF Aunt Jenny tells me that Saveur ain’t what it used to be, but she’s not sure if that’s Oseland’s fault, so I’m reserving judgment. They also mention Gail Simmons, who is a regular judge on Top Chef, but she’s not here this week.
The critics, Kelly, and some of the students (the ones whose dorm rooms were used) eat dinner, and there’s a lot of oohing and aahhing. Unaware of Tim’s adventures in freezing, Jay grumbles that it’s a cop-out to serve raw food in a cooking competition, which is total bullshit. Wouldn’t that mean that carpaccio should never be served in a restaurant not dedicated to raw food? The risotto is a little soft and mushy in the center, but it tastes great. The critics are split on Hubert’s carrot and pea soup with cinnamon. Jay’s not getting it, but Gael can’t stop eating the cinnamon croutons. They agree that Tim’s kale is a bit salty, but James loves it anyway. Gale and James think there’s too much on the plate with Christopher’s pork chop, but Jay says it needs a little liquor; otherwise, it would just be a slightly dried-out chop. Just from what I see, I have to agree with him. Michael’s pork a la apicius has a fabulous flavor, but it’s overcooked. Jay wants more chili flavor in the carpaccio. James says it has a great perfumey rush of strong olive oil.
The guys meet with the critics. Tim explains what happened with his food, and Jay expresses his admiration for how he turned a potential disaster into a great meal. Michael says that he had a hard time getting the pork properly seared with the hot plate. Christopher had problems getting the risotto to come together, but it came out well enough. The critics agree that, even though it's too soft to be an authentic risotto, it’s still pretty great. He also had problems getting his pork chops seared, so he took them off the hot plate, let them rest, and finished searing them in the toaster oven. Props are given all around to the chefs for the improvising they had to do and how great the food is, especially considering the limitations they faced.
Back in the stew room, Tim says that he doesn’t care what some English guy has to say about his too salty kale, because the English don’t even season their food. Ha! Everyone is having fun, they’re all talking and laughing and drinking, and it’s obvious they have nothing to lose – not their confidence or their credibility. What the hell is going on here? This does not happen on reality shows. Shouldn’t someone be crying by now?
The critics deliberate as critics will. It’s mostly a whole lot of the same thing. Michael's cabbage soup was adventurous and had a lovely depth of flavor. Gael loves the wonderful, spicy aftertaste. James thinks it needed another hour to cook, but Jay points out that Michael didn’t have that much time, and it was great anyway. Tim's pozole matches the dorm environment and would be great tailgating food.
The chefs are called back to the critics’ table, and there are lots of congratulations from the critics. In the end, Hubert wins with 20 ½ stars, moves on to the champions round and receives $10,000 for his charity. Michael has 13 ½ points, Tim 14 ½, and Christopher 19. Their respective charities will also receive donations in their names. The guys give each other man hugs and head out for one more drink, no doubt on Hubert’s tab.
Oh my God, I love this show.
